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Category: Self-Awareness

Personal Power – Be Who You Are Without Compromise

Hello Everyone!

Happy Spring! I was humbled by the responses I received from my last writing. It was a good reminder of how much community I have in my life – it just takes reaching out! 

I love the vernal equinox – there are signs of life emerging from birds singing to shrubs and trees budding. As nature undergoes one of her biggest transformations, I have been thinking about the concept of personal power which is vital during times of transformation. It’s a term that we’ve all likely heard. Albeit an abstract one. If I asked a group of people what personal power means, there would be multiple definitions. Power is such a meta term, isn’t it? Everywhere and in everything.

My definition of personal power has formed over time through a lot of personal trial and error.  I’m going to differentiate some common ways I think about personal power to get started because the topic of power is so interwoven into life. Personal power differs from external power. External power is found outside of us — in the collective within societal systems and structures. Examples of external power are patriarchies, religion, wealth, the rule of law, and in the USA in particular, the gun lobby and celebrity. These systems and groups of people in the environment have enough power to make what they want happen at a large scale. Usually, it’s ego driven or not a power that is connected to the greater good or even the heart for that matter. 

There’s personal power in the workplace. The expert has personal power. As does the influencer who has referent power due to sharp interpersonal skills. Those are useful types of power that can be learned. I’m talking about our inner personal power. Something we all have and just need to pay attention to…

Inner personal power is individual and pure. It’s something we all have and it comes from within. Inner personal power in action is our agency and advocacy for Self, with a capital “S”. Personal inner power is also a stance: I am myself without compromise.

Personal inner power is also a stance: I am myself without compromise.

One way is when we follow our inner knowing or intuition. Einstein called intuition sacred and said it was our 6th sense. Steve Jobs said intuition was a higher form of intelligence – higher than intellect. Both of these smart dudes got it right! It has been proven that there is no rational thought when using our intuition. There is no mental process. It comes from your gut and is instantaneous – often described as felt sense. The source of intuition is beautiful and unique to each of us because it comes from our spirit or soul. When we act upon our intuition, we are using our personal power. Intuition can be something as simple as the flash of an idea to add a different spice to a dish that is not in the recipe and it turns out to be delicious. Intuition can tell us what not to do either – there are stories of people canceling travel due to a gut feeling and then being saved from a potential tragedy. I’m sure you all have your own stories of when you used your gift of intuition. 

There are two ways we use our inner personal power. One is intuition and the other is instinct.

There is another way we use our inner personal power. It’s when we use our instincts (a mental function) to make a decision or choice. Often with instincts we are quickly relying on data to make decisions. Humans make an average of 35,000 decisions a day. Many of these are quick instinctual decisions that require some brain function, but not a whole lot. Like what we want to eat for dinner or whether or what program we stream. When we stick with our initial instinct or what we know is right for us, we are in our personal power. I’ll give an example of inner personal power that a friend recently shared with me. (Name changed to protect the innocent.)

“Carol” recently celebrated her birthday which fell mid-week. She had various plans throughout the weekend to celebrate with family and friends. But, Carol’s mother didn’t want to wait. She wanted to see Carol on Carol’s birthday! So she asked Carol to take her to church on the morning of her birthday. This would require Carol to get up very early to pick up her mom, take her to church, drop her off and then get herself to work before 8:30am – all on her birthday! Carol said her first response was “Heck no. I don’t want to do that!” Then, as Carol retold me the story, she shared her line of reasoning on the journey from knowing her answer was no to sitting in church with her mom. Keep in mind, while she was telling me the story, I was listening to Carol’s certainty of how she didn’t want to take her mom but then how she talked herself out of doing what she wanted to do – and on her birthday no less!  She said things like, I was annoyed because I knew my mom was trying to guilt me into getting her way to see me on my birthday. But, then I felt guilty for thinking that and I realized my Mom is just trying to help me be a good Christian. It went on and on until finally I said, “Did you do anything you wanted to do on your birthday? And, she laughed and winced simultaneously and replied, “As a matter of fact, I didn’t.” 

Carol’s example is one of not using our inner personal power. She knew what she wanted to do, but she talked herself out of it. I know I have been in Carol’s shoes before. I have found when I second guess myself by either not following my intuition or listening to my instinct, I am squandering my inner personal power.

The consequences of doing so are steep. When we give away our personal power, we begin to lose our connection to ourselves. If we allow this to happen repeatedly, our intuitive voice begins to dim and the clarity of our instinct becomes muted. We begin to live in a state where we don’t really know what we want because we no longer listening to our own answers and ultimately, ourselves.

In periods of transition, it can be scary because often we do not know what the outcome will be. We may have a plan, but plans need to be flexible. The very nature of change is that we are embracing something new – venturing into the lush forest of the unknown. 

Intuition and instinct both come rather quickly. If you find yourself hemming and hawing and then talking yourself out of what you want – ask yourself, am I trying to please others? What is it I truly want? Why am I trying to convince myself otherwise? Begin to notice as you go through your day how you use your inner power or give it away. Lean on someone you really trust and ask them to listen to your process as you make some of these choices in your change. Ask them if they can hear you talking yourself out of what you really want or coming from a place of fear and allowing that fear to drive your decision. You got this.

Be yourself – without compromise!

Blessings and Light,

Ellen

An Invitation to Create

It’s been awhile since I have reached out. It’s been a busy time resettling in the USA after over four years in Europe. It has been a true homecoming to be reunited with people I love.

A YEAR OF BIG CHANGE

2024 is a year of big change. I am returning to full-time work in my field of Organization Development. I have been consulting and coaching to organizations for for almost twenty years and genuinely love working with people and systems to help them reach their full potential. I am grateful for my work and the outstanding leaders I work with.

My biggest creative project for the year will be taking steps to design a new life for myself. After 17 years of marriage, my husband and I will separate and focus on co-parenting our boys. A lot of time and effort has been put into this big decision. I am sincerely grateful for all the beauty that we have created together. I am also excited to create something new for myself while still giving my all to my most important roles — Mom and Working Professional.

TRANSITIONS

Transitions can be planned or forced upon us. And, while each transition is unique to the individual and the circumstances of their life, there are guiding principles, habits, and perspectives that are helpful to navigating them. Given my propensity for change and commitment to personal growth – I’m no stranger to these liminal spaces. I will be learning as I go as well as drawing upon the inner-wealth I have cultivated.

I considered hunkering down through this rebirth process to produce something to help others on their journey when I came out the other side of mine. But, that felt hermetic and too safe. Instead, I will share as I move through the process to create what I want for myself, at this stage of my life, real-time – while it’s happening.

AN INVITATION

Whether you are going through the process of ending a relationship or a job, or perhaps your children are off to college and beyond, or you are wondering what’s next and you want to pursue a life that has more joy and less fear – whatever transition you are stepping into – I invite you to join me on my journey as you travel along yours.

If you do join me, and I hope you do, here are some clarifications to be helpful.

  • Options to follow along: I’ll send emails via my email list (this is how this email got to you) and also post on my Instagram a link to my website where my short essays will reside. I ask that you share this email with anyone you think would benefit.
  • Sporadic and few emails: The frequency of the emails will be few and sporadic. When I want to share, I will. Today, when I join newsletters of people who interest or inspire me, I almost as quickly unsubscribe because the volume of emails is too much for me to absorb. I won’t flood your Inbox.
  • What I won’t share: It’s human nature to be curious about what happens to others’ relationships when they end. I won’t share those details out of respect for our family.
  • What I will share: My essays will include personal and practical information that will have universal underpinnings we can all relate to. Examples could be:
    • How we can all partner with a loving universe to co-create from our heart not our fears
    • Insights about relationships and their constant cycle of death and rebirth including the relationship we have with Self
    • How acceptance is courageous and can yield peace and possibility
    • How to use the symbols and archetypes in our everyday life to transcend challenges and align with our soul’s purpose
  • My Hope: Is that through sharing my experiences in creating what I want for myself in this next chapter, that there is something ignited, reflected, touched within you that helps you on your journey.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes about change.

It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change, or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between we fear…it’s like being in between trapezes.

M. Ferguson

I look forward to you joining me on the trapeze!

Blessings and light,

Ellen

The Almighty Table

You offer young and old a welcoming spot to sit. Your long back provides space for food and drink to be feasted upon. A perpetual invitation to make memories, center routines, birth conversations, hold hands, and celebrate life. You ask us to come prepared, timely, and ready to partake in grace, community, and presence. For some, you invite to not only play, but to do the work of life.

If you are set and ready to receive but someone does not arrive. Naturally, you wait. Who could forsake the gifts that you offer? Surely they are remiss. You remind them of the beauty and promise you hold. Yet, they still do not come. After awhile, their cutlery and placemat journey back to their respective drawers, and the napkin, with all its utility, travels to the neighboring seat, to serve those who choose to participate.

Culture Shock in my own country: A story of change.

Our family of four humans and three animals returned to the USA in August after four years in Zurich, Switzerland. Repatriating to my home country has been more complex than I imagined.  In truth, I didn’t imagine any complexity. I’m American, how hard can it be? So, when we learned my husband’s job was relocating to the USA, I leaned in with my “up for anything” approach to life. Though, the definition of ‘up for anything’ has changed considerably with age…bungee jumping and canyoning have been taken off the bucket list. 

Being adventurous is obviously fun and exciting. And, uncomfortable. That’s the paradox of change – it’s both difficult and exhilarating. Being in situations that are new deepens empathy – it’s a fact. My foreigner status allows me to connect to how hard it must be for others. I also feel gratitude because my situation as an expat on my husband’s work visa was much easier than the Ukrainian refugees I met in Switzerland. 

Many of my expat friends with more countries and years under their belt forewarned me that the transition home is tough. It feels like the rug has been pulled out from under my feet. With a twelve-hour flight, my old life is gone and it feels abrupt and surreal. All the routines, cultural norms, and ways of life – that were so different four years ago – that I adapted to and thrived in disappeared almost instantly. 

I didn’t drive a lot in Switzerland. I often walked to the grocery store. My kids took public transportation to school and sport. Of course, I am aware that parents are their children’s chauffeurs in much of the USA. I was one myself just four years ago. But, I grew to love taking public transportation over driving.

The variety of food and the size of grocery stores in the US is overwhelming. I have now taken to ordering groceries online because it’s easier for me to sift through the items that way rather than walk up and down the aisles. There’s an entire aisle dedicated to hard seltzer with alcohol. I haven’t even heard of hard seltzer alcohol. I’ll save going to Costco for 2024 because if I do go, I think I’ll faint.

Ordering anything online in Switzerland was rare; there’s no Amazon.ch. And, I liked it. I quickly realized we didn’t need all that stuff, most were just impulse buys that could be easily solved by a workaround or going without. Our household belongings are currently in a container somewhere on the Atlantic Ocean, and with school starting for our boys, I’ve ordered from Amazon almost every other day. While it’s easy and time-saving, it doesn’t feel like me. 

There are a lot of pros and cons to living in both countries. My discomfort isn’t a tally about which country is better. It’s more the sense of loss for the life I adapted to and grew to love. A cardinal rule of expat life is not to expect your host country to be the same as the country you left. In our four years in Switzerland, we met people who would flame out. They just couldn’t adapt to the change and would leave. I don’t expect the USA to be like Switzerland – but I do miss my old life.

In the field of change management, where the rubber meets the road is when people have to actually “DO” the work differently. That’s where change efforts live or die. If I go to work on Monday and how I start my day is different, the tools I used before are now gone and I’m supposed to use new tools, tools that I’m not that familiar with or my team is new, WOW, that’s hard. Ever switched from a PC to a Mac? My “personal workflow” has changed and I’m feeling the loss.

A little voice in my head asks periodically, “Why can’t you just be grateful you lived in Europe for four years?” Well, little voice, pipe down, I am. Gratitude isn’t a bypass for the hard bits in life. In fact, being able to feel gratitude when things are rough – no matter how relative – is the true gift of gratitude.

Every challenge forces us to discover a new path. I’m on a new path and it’s an opportunity to be more compassionate to myself and others. And, ultimately, increase my humanity. Besides, it won’t be long until I’m ready for the next adventure!

Coming Home

We returned this week to Switzerland from five weeks in the USA. Our summer was focused on family and practical matters. My mother-in-law passed away in the spring at the age of 89. She lived a full life and passed peacefully in her favorite chair. We are happy for her. 

My husband is an only child so the responsibility and honor of her funeral and clearing out her home fell to him. He rose to both occasions beautifully. The funeral was a loving event. It was wonderful for our two boys to hear stories about their Grandmother from others – enlarging their perspective of who she was as a person outside of her role as Grandma.

Clearing out her home of 50-plus years was both challenging and sweet. The challenge was the sheer volume of things collected; some forgotten, some cherished over a lifetime. There were dumpsters involved, countless trips to Goodwill, boxes and boxes! of book donations to the local library, and saving or shipping sentimental items to other family members. The sweetness was found in treasures like old passports – Pat was a world traveler and had visited more than 20 countries long before I met her. Our teenage sons enjoyed the different currencies she collected from her travels – many no longer in circulation. 

I was able to break away to fly across the country to visit my 93-year-old mother who was staying with one of my brothers and his sweet family. My time with them was grounding and fulfilling. Living in another country with a different language and distinct culture often feels like I inhabit two different worlds. The experience has sharpened my ability to be present because I realize that time with people I deeply love is rare. 

Air travel with a dog is full of complexity but given the length of our trip, we took our dog, Chester. If there was an award for the most well-behaved and optimistic traveler – Chester is a shoo-in. There are a lot of humans who could learn from Chester. He traversed the two continents with ease – 6,800 miles/11,000 kilometers one way. His presence on this trip provided a sense of stability that we all craved amidst the chaos of boxes, piles of organizing belongings, and the dwindling seating and sleeping choices due to furniture donations. He also gave our boys a sense of duty. There are coyotes on the small island my mother-in-law lived. And, Chester’s size while perfect for flight travel is also perfect coyote prey. Our boys kept a watchful eye on him during walks and in Pat’s beautiful backyard that abuts the forest.

Our two ginger cats remained in Switzerland under the care of a kind and gentle Ukrainian refugee. It was a win/win for all of us. Five weeks is a long time even for independent indoor/outdoor cats to be without their people. We have been home five days now and the cats have barely gone outside. Instead, they prefer to sit next to any one of us and soak up the touch and love they dearly missed. As I write, a feline is laying on my arm unencumbered by the up and down movement of my typing. He’s just happy to be with me. I feel profound love and empathy for our cats. I recognize the fragility and preciousness of their dependence on us and our connection to them. 

As I headed out to the grocery store to re-stock the refrigerator after the 25-hour door-to-door journey. I kept the meal plan simple – a salad. At self-checkout, I realized I forgot to get a cucumber. Tired, I decided not to go back to the produce section on the other side of the store. I paid for my groceries, took three steps toward the exit, and glanced at the self-checkout station next to mine. There sat a lone cucumber! I immediately laughed out loud! I looked around to make sure it didn’t belong to anyone, paid for it, and said a sincere prayer of thanks.

I am blessed to return to a place and life that I love. I am humbled that I also am able to leave it for long periods to connect to people I love. I also see the Universe’s amazing sense of humor to bring us cucumbers just when we need them most.

Don’t Buy the Lie – You are NOT what you Earn.

When we moved to Switzerland from the USA three years ago, I changed from working full-time to part-time to help our family make the transition to a new country.

I help people for a living and am fortunate that my work is my life purpose. Even with a deep connection to my work, I really enjoy working part-time. For the time being, I’ve decided to keep it that way. I don’t have the stress that I had before being a working mom. Working less allows me to be more present for my family and myself.

So, what does the thinking mind do when life is calm and happy? It conjures problems. To prove my point, I recently said to my close friend Alexa, “Maybe I should work more because Rob (my husband) has most of the financial burden. If I worked more, I could share that responsibility.” Alexa spat out her tea. (This is exactly what a good friend should do when you say something ridiculous.)

Alexa replied, “Who will share your burden of groceries, cooking, feeding and care of animals, kids’ schedules, laundry, social director…. shall I go on?” It’s true. My husband’s career is very demanding and hasn’t allowed for the flexibility mine has. I am the engineer of our family’s Operating System: Coder-In-Chief, responsible for all upgrades and bug fixes.

So, why with a full plate of responsibilities was I questioning my contribution? I had to ask myself, “Do I really believe my domestic contributions and responsibilities aren’t as valuable as a working parent?”

There is a fundamental belief in our society that says, WE ARE WHAT WE EARN. This question is not foreign to stay-at-home parents, teachers, nurses, healthcare workers, and countless other roles in society that are critical but not well-compensated.

When I was working full-time in the USA, I had a firm belief that domestic contributions in a household were as important as financial contributions. My belief was tested as my financial contribution diminished.  We’ve all had that happen. We hold an opinion or belief about something and then we have a direct experience (new data) that informs our opinion or belief and with it brings a new perspective.

Whatever your contributions are to society, don’t buy the lie. You are not what you earn, you are so much more.

Feeling stuck in life? Help is here!

We all get stuck in life; it happens. Knowing when you are stuck and how to get unstuck is key to leading a fulfilling life.

If you ask someone today what they want out of life, the majority will tell you that they want to eat at a restaurant again! Joking aside, they will say they want to be happy. If you dig deeper into what they mean, they’ll tell you that they want to feel good and be at ease.

Sometimes, we aren’t at ease, and feeling good is elusive. Our work or relationship once-thriving can become unsatisfying. Over time, if dissatisfaction persists, we can feel stuck.  

What is the definition of being stuck? It’s the feeling of being not where we are supposed to be. It can also feel like persistent overwhelm or painful dissatisfaction with the current state or situation.  

Being stuck can be tricky. To help navigate, here are three common ways we get stuck and remedies for each:

Self-Created Stuck

Self-created stuck is what Buddhists call suffering. Suffering is part of life. A loved one dies and we hurt deeply. The pain of them being gone is real. This type of suffering is part of the human condition. I’m not talking about that kind of suffering; I’m talking about the kind we create ourselves.

The good news is that Self-created suffering is avoidable. It is the mind’s way of not accepting what is. For example, when you deny or don’t accept that something is painful, you create suffering. Or when you expect something to be different than what it is — you create suffering. Let’s look at an easy example. You are in a work meeting and your idea for solving a problem falls flat with your colleagues. You are invested in being right — you feel disrespected and angry that your solution was overlooked. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, you tell yourself it was no big deal. Oh, it doesn’t stop here! You then begin to spend time thinking about how your colleagues’ solutions were terrible! You also create a narrative about how no one listens to you and all the extroverts at the meeting suck up all the time. It’s like a mind map of negative thinking to cover up accepting what happened! This is needless suffering. 

Your Inner Purpose is to Awaken It’s As Simple As That

Eckhart Tolle

Remedy for Self-Created Stuck…

Accepting and acknowledging your uncomfortable feelings is crucial. So many times, we brush away uncomfortable truths only to inadvertently give them more power over us and steal our peace of mind. 

Instead of becoming the central actor in your own self-created narratives. Use your observing mind to watch your thinking mind and immediately create distance between the narrative and your true Self. You’ll notice that you are not your thoughts and often, the scenarios you have created keep you from peace. 

Comparison Stuck

This is another flavor of Self-created Stuck. Because it’s so potent, it deserves its own distinction. I have my own powerful personal experience with Comparison Stuck. Years ago, I attended a conference in my field of Organizational Psychology.  The field is broad and this particular conference focused on an area that I don’t have a lot of experience in or obviously, proven skill!

For two days after the conference, I felt anxious. I was feeling low and began questioning my competence as a consultant. Luckily, on day three, I had an insight that if I had not attended this conference, I would not be so miserable. Not that I shouldn’t have attended the conference, but literally, that I allowed it to change me. My consulting ability hadn’t changed in those three days. But, how I was thinking about myself did. I was comparing myself to others who specialized in an area that was not a keen interest of mine. I was creating my own suffering. There’s a saying in yoga, “Stay on your own mat, in your own practice.” This means that everything outside of your mat has nothing to do with you, so don’t give it your energy. 

Remedy for Comparison Stuck

Stay on your own mat! Don’t look at the person next to you doing the handstand or super-flexible twisty pose.When you compare, you surrender your peace of mind and what makes you unique. Just focus on your own skills, passion, and personal goals.

Dissatisfied Stuck

If your health, relationship, business, job gets stuck, it becomes a pressure point. These key areas are part of your identity, so it’s understandable you can suffer when they falter. 

Everyone has real challenges in life that require them to face adversity, make changes, and sometimes surrender to the illusion of control. For example, your relationships are constantly evolving, and sometimes, you resist the evolution or your partner does — and you feel stuck. Your career or job may have periods where you feel static or uninspired. And, if the block persists you can suffer.

How to Remedy Disassified Stuck

A key starting point for any “stuckness” is curiosity. Being stuck can feel confusing and frustrating. And, often in your haste to release the pressure, you can make some bad decisions. These are what mid-life crises are all about. People become stuck, feel pressure to change something and they change their external environment; not their internal one. Resist the temptation to push on any rock, pull any lever. Be curious about what is going on with you.

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

Viktor Frankl

Calmly and curiously delve into that stuck point. Sometimes, the way will be difficult. You are not alone! Take care of yourself and invest in a therapist, coach, or support group. Read books that inspire you or advance your understanding of your situation.

At the beginning of this piece, I said that knowing when you are stuck and how to get unstuck is key to leading a fulfilling life.

Fulfillment means you see and experience your life as an adventure. When setbacks occur,  you don’t let them stop you – you work through them.

Do not succumb to the resistance that can accompany hard-won growth. Life is dynamic and ever-flowing and sometimes, you get stuck. But, the tools you learn to get back into flow — as well as what you learn about yourself — are truly invaluable.

Why Reflection is critical to creating goals for the New Year

Grüezi!  I just returned from a family Christmas holiday in lovely Scuol, Switzerland. Scuol is a picturesque Alpine village that borders both Austria and Italy. The mountains are even more spectacular when covered in fresh snow. I shared a few of the pinch-me photos on Instagram. I returned feeling very grateful and relaxed.

I love this time of year. Winter solstice arrives in late December and we begin the transition from the year behind us to the one ahead. Ancient cultures viewed winter solstice as a time of death and rebirthSo, it makes sense that it’s a time for reflection, introspection, and, when ready, taking action. Much of the talk around the new year is about goals and resolutions. I have a bias for action, so slowing down and reflecting on the past is a muscle that I’ve had to develop. And, let’s face it, if we’ve had a tough year, we most often just want to move on. But, some of my greatest teachers have been the most challenging of times. So, I encourage us all to roll-up our sleeves and take a keen look at 2019.

Here are some insights to develop your reflection skills and get your New Year goals started right.

Go Deep

Reflecting is the act of self-observation and self-evaluation. It requires self-awareness which is the cornerstone to a high EQ. We have to be honest about our strengths, limitations, and how we reacted to the events of the year. When asked a simple reflection question like, “What was the highlight of my year?” It’s easy to accept an answer that immediately comes to mind. But, in practice, reflection isn’t about the first thing that comes to mind. It’s about evaluating our observations.  We need to evaluate our responses and say, “Is that really true for me?” Critical thinking skills are also required. For example, Why do I think that event was the highlight of my year?”  

Go Solo

Because we all have a bit of people-pleaser or concern for how we are being perceived, it’s best to practice reflection alone. Extroverts often process their thoughts by saying them aloud. So, if you are an extrovert, you can talk through your answers, but do it alone. Give yourself the gift of intimacy with Self. Introverts won’t have any trouble with this one. Go it alone so you can be completely unencumbered to show up with whatever comes up. 

Pen to Paper

Writing down your answers will serve as a record for you to refer to and use for action-taking later. And, it can also keep you honest. In crafting this very post, when sharing something personal, I ask, “Is this really true?” The physical act of writing something down can literally reduce stress. So, if you did have a really tough challenge to overcome during the year, it is a great way to relieve any latent stress you may hold and clear your mind.  Studies have shown that even writing for 15–20 minutes on a stressful topic leads to significantly better physical and psychological outcomes. 

Avoid Recency Bias

Recency bias sounds fancy, but it really means our brains are wired to remember the most recent events. If you are trying to memorize a long to-do list, studies show the majority of people will remember the items they looked at last, more accurately. That’s recency effect. It becomes a bias when we use it to take action with the information. Corporations cautioned their managers to be mindful of recency bias when conducting year-end evaluations for their direct reports so they would take into account the entire year’s performance, not just the most recent months. So, when reflecting on 2019, make sure to scan all the way back to January. 

The ability to create our own happiness is central to our well-being. We need reflection to understand what really makes us really fulfilled. For if we don’t fully understand our experiences, we can’t make changes or continue to do what is working for us based on what we learned from reflection. Think of it this way – we have to slow down to move forward. 

7 Reflection Questions for 2019

Let’s put these tips into practice! Get your pen ready! Here’s a list of 7 reflection questions for 2019. We just ended a decade, so you can view from the perspective as well. These questions can also be asked from work, family, or relationship perspective, as well. I have shared those frames, too. Enjoy!

  1. How would I describe 2019 in just 3 words?
  2. What were my biggest achievements for 2019?
  3. What were my biggest challenges for 2019?
  4. How have I developed as a person?
  5. What surprised me most about 2019?
  6. What can I leave behind in 2019?
  7. What can I bring from 2019 to 2020?

Relationship perspective (Each person reflect and record independently, Then, share completed answers for discussion and learning.)

  1. How would I describe our relationship in 2019 in just 3 words?
  2. What were our biggest achievements as a couple for 2019?
  3. What were our biggest challenges as a couple for 2019?
  4. How have I developed as a partner?
  5. What surprised me most about our relationship 2019?
  6. What can we leave behind that didn’t serve our relationship in 2019?
  7. What can we bring from 2019 that worked well in our relationship to 2020?

Family perspective (Each person reflect and record independently, Then, share completed answers for discussion and learning.)

  1. How would I describe our family in 2019 in just 3 words?
  2. What were our biggest achievements as a family for 2019?
  3. What were our biggest challenges as a family for 2019?
  4. How have I developed as a (mother, father, daughter, son)
  5. What surprised me most about our family in 2019?
  6. What can we leave behind that didn’t serve our family in 2019?
  7. What can we bring from 2019 that worked well for our family to 2020?

Work perspective 

  1. How would I describe my work in 2019 in just 3 words?
  2. What were my biggest professional achievements for 2019?
  3. What were my biggest professional challenges for 2019?
  4. How have I developed this year in my profession?
  5. What surprised me most about my work in 2019?
  6. What can I leave behind that didn’t serve my work in 2019?
  7. What can I bring from 2019 that went well at work to 2020?

Once you’ve taken the time to reflect, then you can decide if there’s any action that needs to occur. In my next post, we’ll talk goal-setting! Best of luck and may your light shine bright in 2020!

Navigating Big Life Changes with a little bit of help

When my dad died at 89 after living a blessed life, I couldn’t do math or read anything longer than a paragraph for three months. After giving birth to each of our sons, I shut out the news world because the stories of violence and pain punctured my full-heart.  Since we moved abroad almost two months ago, I struggle with focus and keeping track of details.

Parents passing, babies arriving, and moving to a new country are all major life events. And, no matter what the reason for the change, we are usually in for an unexpected ride. I have learned over the years, to go with the flow and be patient with myself during big transitions. I’ve also learned not to hold shame for memories that aren’t particularly happy or prideful. 

After my dad died, paying for groceries became a challenge.My mind would go blank when confronted with simple addition and subtraction. I would push bills and coins across the counter at the local Trader Joe’s and ask plainly, “Is this enough?” At first, it was so frustrating and then, I decided to stop being so surprised and indignant about my newfound inability. The mantra in my head slowly switched from, “What’s wrong with me?” to, “I need a little bit of help.” 

When our first son was born, I switched pediatricians because the office was in an area of Oakland that painfully reminded me that we, as a society, have left many humans behind. For years to come, I held confused feelings about my inability to face humanity compounded by the privilege of switching pediatricians. I learned later, I needed a little bit of help and it came in the form of me controlling some of my environments during those infant years.

Yes, time heals and has shed light on major changes in my life. But, my perspective has also been informed by a framework. I use the Enneagram for my continued personal development and in my coaching practice. One of the core principles of the Enneagram is that humans have three centers of intelligence: head, heart, and body.  Most of us are familiar with ideas like, my head wanted one thing and my heart another, but my gut said to do this.  For those of us in the Western world, we likely lean on the head (mind) as the ultimate source of knowledge and the location of our sense of “knowing”. But, the body and heart have equal importance and value. 

In the Enneagram system, each one of us is more familiar with one center than others. For example, I’m a body person. I am comfortable with instant action and trusting my gut. It’s my superpower; until — it’s not. I use my heart least, and in times of stress, overuse my head. With practice and work, I’ve become more skilled in using all three centers. When we operate in one (or two) centers constantly, we are more than likely fulfilling some egoic image or structure we have built versus consciously choosing what’s right for us. In short, the centers of intelligence help us break through limiting patterns and access more of ourselves.

In the case of a major change, the centers of intelligence often yield to one another or become dominant or subordinate. Like burners on a stove — one center is hot while the other two can remain cold or warm. No need to touch any dials or knobs; the centers know when to show up – if we listen.  I like to think of them as automatic pilots helping us to navigate the change. 

When my dad died, the center of intelligence I needed most was my heart. The emotions I faced were big, deep and complex. I felt the sorrow of losing a person I loved so dearly and joy for what his passing meant to him as a man of deep faith. I was also receiving all the love and emotions others felt for him as well as witnessing the pain of my siblings and mom. 

I didn’t need my brain during the days and weeks following my dad’s death. Nor did I need it for the ensuing mourning period. I didn’t need math; I needed to feel. My heart was there to intelligently help me connect to my feelings, emotions, and memories. And, as the weeks passed, my heart helped me navigate my new life without my Dad.

When our sons were born, my heart was split wide open. It was true for me, as it is for many parents, that I have never felt a greater love. It was bliss and wonderment so big I thought my heart would burst. Once again, I needed to be in my heart. I didn’t need to think anything through. Pay bills or stay updated on the US War with Iraq. I needed to experience this once in a lifetime love and let it nurture the connection with my babies. If I thought about everything that needed to be done or was exposed to the hard truth that the outside world is often harsh and cruel, it would have taken me away from the bonding and profound connection with our sons. When a heart is bursting with love, even the the smallest of slights can feel incredibly painful. I remember telling a friend, “it’s puppies and rainbows for me for awhile.That’s about all I can handle.”

Now, I’ve moved almost 6,000 miles away. New continent, new country, new language. I struggle with details and follow-through. It may be that I have exhausted one center of intelligence and another one is picking up all the slack.  I’m not sure yet, but let me try to explain. There were so many complex mental logistics leading up to the move that my head center was large and in charge for months. I was like a master project-manager: ticking boxes and shredding to-do lists in my wake.

Now, that we have moved, I find myself using my body (where my intuition resides). I simply don’t understand a lot of the information presented to me. Some due to the language barrier or cultural awareness of why things are done a certain way.  So, I rely on my gut. When our boys asked to go into the city to ride scooters with some of the neighborhood kids, I had to use my intuition. Kids here are much more independent and being new, I don’t know any of their parents. So, I just listened to what my body told me. And, off they went (and safely returned!).

I do think that big changes are exhausting and it’s possible that we are so tired, that our brains shut down. Yet, there are many examples of big changes in my life where my head center was dominant – especially in my career. 

I know from experience that we can override our centers of intelligence through sheer force of will or denial. We can force one of the burners to stay off when it really should be on high. When we do this, we are stuck in an egoist pattern that impedes us from accessing our whole self.  I also know from experience that when I see others hijacking this natural change process, they just need a little help. 

With love, light and a little help,

Ellen 

Live Your Jam presents: Polly Doyle’s Inspiring Jam Story

My childhood friend Polly has been helping others for years and was ready for a change. Hear how Polly courageously closed the door on her career of 20 years and opened a new door to live her Jam.