Redefining what it means to be a good mother.
Three months ago, I did something that would have once felt impossible: I moved 800 miles away from my two sons, who are 17 and 18. My oldest is heading to university this fall, and my younger son has two more years of high school. I love them deeply and we see each other often — but our relationship has shifted into a new and healthy stage of independence.
When I made this choice, I knew it would be unconventional. Their father and I had just divorced after an 18 year marriage and our family had recently moved to an island where my ex-husband was raised. It is beautiful there, and a good fit for our sons, but it was not the place for me to begin anew.
Culturally, we’re taught that “good mothers” stay physically close to their children, especially in their late teens. Social media is full of tearful posts from moms sending their seniors off to college, mourning the end of daily life together. I understand those emotions, but they don’t reflect my reality. Our family has always lived a bit outside the norm — moving, traveling, adapting — and my connection with my boys has never depended on being in the same house every day. Though I’ve cooked thousands of meals, been involved in their schooling, and was a traditional mom in many ways, at this stage of my life and theirs, it’s not needed.
My decision to move was also about stepping fully into my own life. I’m in a season where my focus is on my work, my soul’s purpose, and the next chapter of my own growth. Parenting for me now is less about daily logistics and more about emotional presence, guidance, and modeling what it looks like to live in alignment with your values. I miss my sons, but I don’t feel guilty. Their father provides a stable home, they are thriving, and I’m still there for them emotionally — with love that never waivers.
Last week, I listened to an interview with Michelle Obama. She said that much of her adult life was devoted to her family and it was now time for her to recognize her own ambition. I can relate. Holding onto roles and routines that feel safe – and society expects – is not good for anyone.
I’ve come to see this choice not as abandonment, but as leadership — showing my sons that life can be lived intentionally, not by default. That it’s possible to follow your own path without letting go of the people you love. And that independence, for both parents and kids, is a sign of a relationship that’s grown, not diminished.
At the moment, my sons are in a great place in life, and so am I. We’re just doing it from different zip codes.
Love and light,
Ellen.
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